Dear Momma

Dear Momma,

Thank you so much for going to the BMSE. Although I was hoping you'd be there I didn't know if you would truly make it. I don't know if you know just how much it meant to me to be able to talk to you...not just that, but to actually have you talk to me, too.

Now you know that I blamed myself for your death. Not directly, of course. But it sure felt that way to me. I truly believed that you would still be here if I had just bought you a car, any car. Without a car, I thought you lost your independence and was a big part of who you were. You were the most independent woman I knew. You had raised your children, a grandaughter, and now you were also raising a great-grandaughter. Your car was a vital part of all that.

It was my belief that when you lost your car you also lost your ability to meet your family's needs. When I didn't buy you another one, I doomed you to a life of dependence. And that was something that you were not used to. Everyone had always looked to you and now you had to look to others to help you meet your needs.

Thank you for being there, momma. Your words allowed me to release my guilt, which I had been carrying for a long time now. I miss you so much. I didn't know it was going to be this hard or that it was going to hurt so much. Nothing could have prepared me for that. Nothing.

Thank you for watching over the girlies, especially Ceewee. I know she needs protecting. I blame her for something...I just don't know what yet. I will pay attention to that if only because I love her so much. And I know how much she means to you and her other momma.

I'm also glad to hear that we belong to the same soul group. It makes alot of sense. I believe that is the reason I'm grieving you so hard. I will begin work on the exercises...beginning with this letter.

Until next time, momma. Loving you with all that I am.

Your kid, Lydia